greener grasses

i just read some of my friends' blogs which i rarely do. and it's quite frustrating. i know you're not supposed to feel that way, but sorry, i just feel that way. i don't envy them, it's just that... shit, they do have greener grasses. if u know what i mean. sometimes i wonder, do my friends also feel that way toward me? do they envy something from me? i hardly think so. sometimes i'm just tired feeling this way, but i cant help it. all my friends have good careers, well some of them, others still trying. my juniors at my previous office have better position now. all my friends are married, have kids and still... have good careers. it seems that they have better life than me. i dont know. is it a good thing to feel that way? that it'll motivate u somehow? but don'tcha think it's kinda suicidal too? because if u see other people's fortune as a motivation, then it's good. but... if u see them as threats, well, just take a knife and stick it to ur ass. cause you better die now than suffer!

maybe i'm just the kinda person who never satisfied with what she got. when i got my first job, i was soo happy. "wow, i have a great job, a new life and possibly a good future." then after four years, it became hell. i felt that i can't improve myself. not just because i've never been promoted, but the salary was stagnant. just stayed there. my career wasnt moving anywhere. i wasnt challenged anymore with the job, it became too easy for me. i felt that i cant improve my knowledge. i dont mean to sound snobbish, but it is true. sometimes i feel like a junkie. i always need more. maybe before i only need 1-2 shots (i dont know how they call it since i'm not a junkie, so...), but now it's not enough, i want more. i need more...

well now i'm abroad, planning to reach my long-lost dream, trying my best to make my stay here worthwhile, cause u never know whether u'll get this kinda opportunity again someday or not. so, so far i consider myself being blessed cause i'm given the chance to appreciate God's other creations, like i always wanted to. but somehow, that feeling just stays there. u know, the feeling that other's grasses are greener. maybe it's just a part of being a human. u know that it's not good, but u just cant control it. your mind and feeling somehow just dont wanna be in the same room. your mind says "well, they have good careers cause they are smart, they're lucky, they have rich parents, so they're entitled to it." but your feeling says "why can't it be me? why can't i be as successful as them? why dont i have rich parents so i can study abroad? etc etc etc"

but at the end, as a human, all you can do is just be grateful with what u got. that's the beauty of being religious. you know where to turn. though sometimes it's kinda hard to reach that point. you just have to realize that everybody has their own destiny. if you choose to take this road, then stick with it. be responsible and try to live with the consequences. that's life. grow up! but then again, other people's grasses are just greener...