curhat

berhub hati gw gundah-gulana lagi belakangan ini, tadi gw curhat sm salah satu temen deket gw, yah bisa dikatakan sobat lha. seneng deh rasanya bisa ngobrol, curhat, trus dikasih masukan dan semangat sm dia. mungkin itu ya artinya temen sejati. gw bener2 mrasakan indahnya arti pertemenan. bukan temen yg sekadar hura2 atau ngobrol basa-basi, tapi temen yg bisa kasih keyakinan pada diri lo bhw lo bisa! kadang lo butuh itu dari seseorang, gak peduli betapa kuat dan mandiri diri lo. ada saat di mana lo bener2 ngedrop dan lo butuh orang utk bantu lo bangkit lagi dan yakin.

bisa dibilang gw bukan tipe org yg gampang curhat ke orang. gak tau knapa. gw takut aja buat dia bosen denger crita gw dan klo gw dpt respon awal yg gak enak, gw pasti langsung ngedrop dan gak mood utk crita. gak usah ke temen, ke pacar aja baru2 ini aja kok gw mrasa nyaman utk curhat. lumayan susah bagi gw utk curhat ke seseorang. mungkin itu jg ya knapa gw punya diary, hehehe...

thx ya wel, for being such a good friend to me. thx for ur support and believing in me. i really need that now :)

crash

pantas lha menyandang predikat film terbaik oscar. keren, walau tampilannya beda2 tipis sm film2 polisi amrika lainnya, kyk the shield, nypd blue, dll. tapi crash emang lebih nonjolin sisi kemanusiaannya. walau kadang berlebihan, tapi gpp, toh gw nangis dan terharu, hihihi.... bener2 gambarin bhw stiap manusia punya 2 sisi yg berbeda, gak ada tuh manusia yg bener2 jahat atau yg bener2 baik. smuanya abu2, whether u like it or not. walau jahat atau baiknya tu orang beda2, smua punya batasannya masing2 dan hanya dia yg berhak nentuin itu, toh yg mrasakan konsekuensinya dia juga. yah... itu cuma seklumit pelajaran hidup yg gw dapat dari ni film, hehehe...

itu kenapa gw suka ntn film. masing2 mungkin punya alesan beda2 knp dia suka film. ada yg suka karena aktor/aktrisnya, krn ceritanya seru, tembak2an, kocak, menegangkan, serem, jorok, sedih dsb, ada pula krn emang dia movie freak, ato filmmaker yg emang wajib dan kudu ntn film, atau krn animasi ato secara teknis tu film keren bgt (whatever that means...), atau atau atau...

klo gw simple. gw cukup sadar bhw gw gak punya cukup darah seni utk bercita2 jd filmmaker ato pun movie critics. gw jg gak tau byk soal perteknikan sbuah film. gw hy penikmat film. gw hanya suka pelajaran yg bisa gw petik dari sebuah film. kadang pikiran kita terlalu sempit atau mungkin dunia kita terlalu sempit jd gak sadar bhw ada sesuatu atau hal berbeda terjadi di dunia luar sana... sesuatu yg gak bisa lo dapetin dan rasakan di khidupan nyata lo, dan lo akan kehilangan sesuatu yg indah, manis, pahit, getir klo lo gak rasakan itu. dan itu akan memperkaya khasanah hati lo. itulah knp gw suka film. sesimpel itu :)

a show

it's definitely one more to my list! last sat my friend, karolina, invited me to her show. actually hers and her bf. they're artists, so this isn't just an ordinary show. it's performance art. so u all know what that means :) i really wanted to go, first, she's my bestfriend here, i consider her that way cause she's the only friend i have here who's more than 27 years old. second, well it's a performance art, so it's gonna be different. went there, got lost cause i didnt know the place. when we arrived, the show already started. not too many people there, about 20 i guess. the place is quite small, i think it's kinda underground show.

during the show i was completely lost. didn't understand a thing. i just smiled and laughed. i'm just too ordinary to understand this kinda thing. a person with no artistic talent. that's me! maybe i should've been an artist. i'm sure it's gonna be fun. do whatever i want, wherever i want, and people will think it's an art. that'll be fun. sari the artist! hahaha...

paloheinä

sabtu kemarin (11.03.06), kita main ice sliding di paloheinä. it was wild! hehehe... seru abiz! jatuh jumpalitan, baju, celana, sarung tangan basah, dan gw menggigil kedinginan. hasilnya sekarang gw tepar di rmh, 2 hari gak beranjak dari sofa, ingus meler tiada henti, bolos les dll... but, another one to my list! ;)

dinner

i host a dinner! yup, it's true. cleaned up the house myself. cooked the food myself. never dreamt that this kind of thing can ever happen 6 months a go, hehehe....

it's quite successful, though my sister said that the rice was hard and not done. but my friends ate quite a lot, so i think they didnt notice it. hopefully...

there were 7 of us, all girls. it's like united colors of benetton, u know. all from different countries, so it's cool. the same language, different accent. but we spoke one language though, man, hahahaha... well we talked lots of stuffs, and none of them are important :)

i'm just relieved that it's done. did my job, all my friends were happy with their stomach full. so mission accomplished! ;)

yle tv

karolina's class at caisa planned to go to yle tv. since she knew that i had worked at a tv station in indonesia, then she asked me whether i wanted to join her. hell, of course i would. it's a once a lifetime opportunity, hehehe.... then yesterday we went there. though with a lot of efforts, but we got there, finally. it's quite a big area. lots of buildings. the studios are separated from others. maybe it's quite like rcti, though i've never been there. actually it's like a tour, but it's in finnish. yeah, it's a study tour for a finnish course. so whaddya expect?

i was really amazed by their collections of costumes and all things, decorations, cell phones from all ages, everything... the other stuffs are almost the same like trans, the studios, the sets. but there's one studio that really reminded me of MMC, hehehe.... i really miz that good ol days...

the whole trip really reminded me of my life at transtv. i do miss it a lot...

1/2 tahun

wah tanggal 10 nanti tepat 6 bln gw mengembara di helsinki. gila ya, waktu cepet banget berlalu. tadi di bis tiba2 gw dpt ide utk mlakukan studi banding antara 6 bulan di helsinki dan jakarta. bukan krn gw menyesal memutuskan ke sini, tapi ya gw pengen aja liat sejauh ini hal2 positif apa aja sih yg dah gw dapat slm mengembara.

andai ku di jakarta!
- masih di kantor yg sama dgn karir yg stagnan
- mungkin pindah bagian, wlo gak sgampang itu, krn saat gw blg ke bos mo coba peruntungan di helsinki, dia kira gw bosen dan nyaranin gw utk pindah bag, which is i'll do if i did decide to stay in jkt
- naik gaji
- dapet bonus yg katanya lumayan memuaskan
- makin dekat dgn pacar, apalagi saat gw cabs, hub gw sm dia lagi lancar2nya, tapi...
- belum kepikiran nikah
- lanjutin les belanda
- makin akrab sm temen2, tapi kmungkinan nambah temen baru sangat tipis
- mobil gw makin keren
- bosen minta ampun
- nambah koleksi dvd
- bisa nabung utk masa depan

6 bulan di helsinki!
- pengalaman dan tantangan baru
- stres + depressed krn jobless, once a buruh always a buruh, thus, no income :(
- panik krn karir tertunda utk beberapa saat (duh kesannya keren bgt yak, karir. tepatnya pekerjaan...)
- mandiri, akhirnya gw nyentuh dapur dan pekerjaan rumah tangga lainnya
- lapland, meet the real santa claus + eat raindeer meat
- stockholm
- tallinn
- tidur sendiri, akhirnya...
- lots of lots of new friends, indo and non-indo
- belajar suomi
- helia
- b.inggris terasah, written and orally
- punya blog
- jauh dari pacar so it's a gambling
- cape2 gw nabung + cicil mobil, gak mnikmati si kimun
- gendutan
- klo gak dpt kul, harus puls dgn kpala tertunduk dan memulai karir dr bawah
- dosa makin byk, i think
- and last but not least, finally... i wanna get married, hahaha... which is a huge step for me. never thought that this kinda feeling will come someday. so... it's really really the most positive thing i have while i'm here...

so whaddya think? it is actually hard to decide which one is better than the other. depends on ur point of view. maybe for an adventurous person, she'll definitely choose the second one, cause... well u know why. but for the type of person who likes certainty, then number one it is. and for myself, mmhmm.... i think i certainly choose number two, not because i'm already here and wanted to show that i'm not regretting my decision, but maybe... because of the last reason, hahahaha....

i know it sounds stupid. but if i had to go to the north pole to have that feeling, then i will... cause for some people they consider it as a miracle. but the problem is... do i feel this way cause i'm lonely and abroad? if i go back to jakarta, is this feeling still gonna be there? pphhuiff.... tough question. i dunno and i don't care. i'm lucky just to be here. i'm glad that i survive this far. never thought that my life will turn out to be like this 4-5 months a go. i'm satisfied with what i've achieved this far, though there are some that are still on my list.

and about the marriage thing? well, let's just leave it that way. let's just see what happen on april and may, cause then my futur life will be decided...

greener grasses

i just read some of my friends' blogs which i rarely do. and it's quite frustrating. i know you're not supposed to feel that way, but sorry, i just feel that way. i don't envy them, it's just that... shit, they do have greener grasses. if u know what i mean. sometimes i wonder, do my friends also feel that way toward me? do they envy something from me? i hardly think so. sometimes i'm just tired feeling this way, but i cant help it. all my friends have good careers, well some of them, others still trying. my juniors at my previous office have better position now. all my friends are married, have kids and still... have good careers. it seems that they have better life than me. i dont know. is it a good thing to feel that way? that it'll motivate u somehow? but don'tcha think it's kinda suicidal too? because if u see other people's fortune as a motivation, then it's good. but... if u see them as threats, well, just take a knife and stick it to ur ass. cause you better die now than suffer!

maybe i'm just the kinda person who never satisfied with what she got. when i got my first job, i was soo happy. "wow, i have a great job, a new life and possibly a good future." then after four years, it became hell. i felt that i can't improve myself. not just because i've never been promoted, but the salary was stagnant. just stayed there. my career wasnt moving anywhere. i wasnt challenged anymore with the job, it became too easy for me. i felt that i cant improve my knowledge. i dont mean to sound snobbish, but it is true. sometimes i feel like a junkie. i always need more. maybe before i only need 1-2 shots (i dont know how they call it since i'm not a junkie, so...), but now it's not enough, i want more. i need more...

well now i'm abroad, planning to reach my long-lost dream, trying my best to make my stay here worthwhile, cause u never know whether u'll get this kinda opportunity again someday or not. so, so far i consider myself being blessed cause i'm given the chance to appreciate God's other creations, like i always wanted to. but somehow, that feeling just stays there. u know, the feeling that other's grasses are greener. maybe it's just a part of being a human. u know that it's not good, but u just cant control it. your mind and feeling somehow just dont wanna be in the same room. your mind says "well, they have good careers cause they are smart, they're lucky, they have rich parents, so they're entitled to it." but your feeling says "why can't it be me? why can't i be as successful as them? why dont i have rich parents so i can study abroad? etc etc etc"

but at the end, as a human, all you can do is just be grateful with what u got. that's the beauty of being religious. you know where to turn. though sometimes it's kinda hard to reach that point. you just have to realize that everybody has their own destiny. if you choose to take this road, then stick with it. be responsible and try to live with the consequences. that's life. grow up! but then again, other people's grasses are just greener...

h.o.r.m.o.n

gile ya, kadang gw kagum sm kekuatan hormon. kebayang gak sih, hanya gara2 hormon semata, baik fisik maupun mental lo ancur berantakan. smua sifat jelek lo muncul tak terduga, smua masalah yg lo simpen di dalam pantat muncrat tak terbendung, dan yang pasti bodi seksi yg slama ini lo rawat dgn penuh perhatian dan kocek hilang tak berbentuk.

klo gw dah mulai merasakan sesuatu yg aneh baik di badan ato pikiran gw, pasti penyebabnya gak jauh2 dari hormon. klo bawaannya pengen marah, dijamin itu hormon yg bicara. dan satu hal lagi, klo otak lo mulai "berfantasi", itu puasti hormon!

woman and her hormon. no one dares to face that. not even your bf, friends, parents... no one! that's the benefit of being a woman. u can always use that excuse everytime you feel angry, fed up, sick, helpless, weak, u name it! and if i have to choose, i prefer to face a woman with a horman than be a woman with a hormon. nothing, i said, nothing can compare that shit!!

layaknya kehilangan keperawanan

itu yg gw rasakan setelah akhirnya gw memutuskan utk mempublikasikan blog ini ke salah satu temen gw. itu pun gw putuskan utk kasih tahu ke dia krn tnyata kakak gw entah bagaimana dah tau link blog ini. jadi ya... sekalian aja. mungkin utk sebagian orang blog emang utk konsumsi umum. tapi yah bagi gw blog ini layaknya diari pribadi gw, utk konsumsi pribadi. jadi pada saat temen gw baca ni blog, tangan gw mayan basah. gw mrasa temen gw lagi mbaca smua isi hati dan pikiran gw. and it's quite scary actually. gw rada nyesel krn dah terlanjur kasih link-nya, tapi di satu pihak gw gak bisa ngulang waktu spy kembali seperti smula. jd layaknya kehilangan keperawanan, lo gak bs mlakukan apa pun utk mengubah itu. i know it's not such a big deal for u, but it is for me :(

stockholm part 2

at first i didn't feel like going. i dunno, i just wasn't that excited. i've been there before, and i know that we'll just end up clubbing & getting drunk on the boat, which i really tried to avoid. i was really sick of clubs. shit! maybe i'm just too old for this kind of life, or maybe i'm just bored!

but then voila... i had the time of my life! i really like this trip. don't know why, maybe because the weather in stockholm was sooo good. only -5, the sun's shining, and there were only 6 of us, which was good, because the smaller the groups, the better it is (sometimes). we walked around the centrum, took lots of pictures, which are really good, thx to the sun. and u know what? until now, everytime i think of that trip, i feel sooo happy. i really really love it, especially our tour in stockholm. it was just so beautiful...

u know, it is true what they say. u never know what will happen in ur life. u just have to let it flow and enjoy the ride. and u might end up having the best time of ur life when it's least expected. don'tcha agree?!